For once I just want to be brutally honest. At the moment I'm not having the best time. Ever feel like you're just being pulled in so many different directions? I never seem to know who is genuine and who is fake anymore, and that kind of thing just kills me. Whenever I meet someone new I feel like I'm being scrutinised and in turn I have to scrutinise them.
And with people I already know ... is what they say real? I don't even know. What am I even talking about? I think it just makes me feel better to try and structure my thoughts coherently ... which isn't exactly what I'm doing, but hey. Maybe I need this. It's been such a long time since I wrote a journal. People just say things to me, and I can never ever take them for face value anymore and I totally miss that. I hate being so paranoid and having to take everything that's said in so many different ways. Every where I am, I'm just in the way. With two people I really love, I feel like I'm inbetween them, that maybe I'm not enough for either of them, and that kills me with guilt and makes me feel so much worse.
I'm babbling now. I don't know what to do or say with anyone anymore. I'm scared I'm just becoming a shadow of who I was, and no one likes a shadow, I'm scared I'm just going to become an impression, and imprint on who I was.

'You will be recogniseable only as deja vu, and be dismissed just as quickly..'

I've lost the essence. I dunno where this has all come from, maybe it's because I'm off Uni, maybe it's because I'm sick of being by myself, maybe everything is just a little messed up. Maybe it's because I can never sleep. Who the heck knows anymore. Maybe I'm getting a bit loopy like Fight Club ... although I really hope not. Tyler Durden is pretty cool, but maaaaan that dude would fuck with your head.

Anyway, I'm going to go now, and try and straighten everything up, and go into town and get me some Young Cardinals action. Mmmhmmm...

Alexishearts <3